Dear Erik: I am 51 years old. I have been in a relationship with a man for 2.5 years now.
After a year he came to live with us to help with the mortgage. He usually pays, but when he misses a month and I ask about it, he gets angry, which I think is a very strange reaction.
If I ever get angry about something he turns around and gets angry at me and often blames me.
He works from home most of the time and has many Zoom calls a day. He says the work is better than he could have imagined. But during this time we haven’t had any holidays together. When I ask him if I’m going on a trip together, he always tells me to go because he’s too busy and needs to stop being hostile.
We have eaten with mutual friends less than 10 times.
He seems to be a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and occasionally go out to eat together. I’m flattered that he wants to spend time with me, but I’m sad that we don’t have intercourse together. I feel bored and uninspired.
He does not want to say anything about his financial situation. He is very secretive. When his parents are in town, he eats with them six nights a week at 5 p.m. for a few months. I think this is exaggerated.
I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.
– I’m not sure I’ll be single again
Dear I’m not sure: I don’t want to be too blunt, but I’m confused about what you’re getting out of this relationship.
Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and angry about the mortgage payments. He makes a lot of time for his parents and work, but no time to build a relationship with you.
There is a difference between being a workaholic and being someone who is unwilling to be an equal partner in a relationship. It seems like he’s the latter and if he’s not interested in learning how to show up for you, you need to show up for yourself and show him the door.
You write that you are flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you does you no favors; it’s something he should want to do and be proactive about. You deserve that.
Dear Erik: Over the past thirty years I have been very generous with a sibling who has never been in very good financial shape.
I have felt a certain disdain from her and her family about my generosity. I get a thank you or acknowledgment maybe half the time.
She has a very short temper and frequently teases me about things that happened twenty or thirty years ago, making cutting comments about stupid little things I did that made her angry.
After many years of letting it go, I find myself very angry about her ingratitude and her attitude towards me. I always felt sorry for her and wanted to make her life better, but maybe that made her feel bad about herself.
We haven’t spoken in almost a year.
I realize that the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have drastically cut back on the amount of money I give her.
But I hate being upset and upset with her, and I would really like to find a way to move on and let go of all these negative emotions. I don’t even know if she realizes I’m upset.
– Family Financing
Dear family: Money talks, but it mumbles a lot, so we need to be especially clear in our communications around it. It’s fine to cut back on your generosity, but you don’t get to the heart of the problem and will likely be misinterpreted.
It will help a lot if you can both have a conversation that focuses on the way you feel about each other and your relationship. You need a place to deal with your grudges and they probably do too.
Before you contact her, think about what you actually want. It can be as simple as a thank you. But I suspect it’s more complicated than that.
Is there a part of you that is hurt by her reaction to you or her snarky comments? Is there frustration because the money you gave couldn’t stop the pain? Ask yourself what would make you feel valued in this relationship.
You write that she may not even know you are upset; that’s painful to read because it suggests that she doesn’t give you the same thought and care that you give her.
Sort out your feelings and figure out what your responsibility is to sort out solo and what you can bring into the conversation with her.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.