The Signal hosted an in-depth discussion about men and mental health. Participating were, from left to right, Brent Beshara, military veteran and health and wellness advocate; Jody Williams, mindset coach; Audrey Wade, mental health advocate and parent; and Bill Jeffery, consultant at the Lonely Man Project. (Arlette Lazarenko/CBC)
Jody Williams spent three years in a deep depression, but few knew about it.
“I kept it to myself,” he said. “You’re getting really good at putting on your face.”
That “face” – that everything was okay – was a mask he wore day in and day out because the thought of sharing his emotions was too daunting. He says he thought no one would listen.
“I was in a very dark place,” he said, thinking about ending things that crept to the surface.
Fast forward to the present: Williams has made it his job to listen. Through coaching and working with the prison system, he says he works with men who have dealt with the same pain.
Williams would learn that there is a crisis among men and mental health. According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada, 75 per cent of the approximately 4,000 suicide deaths in 2022 were male. Suicide is also the second leading cause of death among men aged 15 to 19.
In a recent panel discussion on CBCs The signal on mental health, Williams said people don’t know how prevalent depression and mental health issues among men are in society.
Even people in the throes of depression may not know it, says Brent Beshara, a military veteran and health and wellness advocate. He says he only discovered he had depression when he learned what its symptoms were.
LOOK | Adam Walsh moderates a discussion about men and mental health for CBC’s The Signal:
Twenty years into a military career where every day was orderly and mechanical, he felt lost in retirement.
“I just feel like it’s a challenge right now for men to find purpose in life,” Beshara said.
Bill Jeffery, a counselor and founder of the Lonely Man, a nonprofit organization that advocates for men’s issues, says the worst aspect of depression is the apathy.
“I’ve talked to guys who have been going through life for 10 years just going through the motions,” Jeffery said.
Depression affects the brain and robs you of life’s simple pleasures, he says. And the men said they notice they don’t care about their careers, their families, their health and ultimately their lives.
“The longer that goes on, the more chronic and devastating it becomes,” Jeffery said.
Stigma, emotions and expectations
Jeffery says the difference between men and women in mental health discussions is that women are more likely to speak up and seek change. But men are more likely to remain silent about their problems and take a tougher stance, even when there is support.
It was the case with Audrey Wade’s son.
Wade says that when her son Davis was growing up, he was always surrounded by support from family and at school. He had big dreams of working in sports medicine.
“When high school ended and there was nowhere else to go and the support system started to fall apart, so did he,” she said.
In 2021, her son died by suicide. Since then, Wade has spoken out about mental health. Looking back, Wade said she could see how he didn’t express his struggles and the pressure he felt — a pressure on how men should behave and express their emotions.
A pressure that trickles down from previous generations, says Jeffery.
Bill Jeffery says the public needs programs that target the needs of men of different ages and equip them with life skills such as communication, healthy relationships and emotional regulation to address the problem of men’s mental health. (CBC)
He says he had conversations with high school students last fall and asked them what it means to them to be a man.
“They all gave me the same old mantras that I had about 30 years ago. Be strong, be competitive, be dominant,” he said. “One kid said he had to beat up other kids.”
We need to work more purposefully
Jeffery says the world men live in is changing, and so is the general definition of masculinity. Where a man was once defined by what he contributed, this is no longer the case today, where households share responsibilities.
But, he says, there needs to be specific programming that targets different ages and provides help, resources and advice for men.
LISTEN | The Signal’s Adam Walsh speaks to men’s mental health advocates about the problems and the possible solutions:
The signal54:54The mental health of men and boys
Today’s show focuses on mental health and wellness for men and boys in Newfoundland and Labrador. We talk about realities, challenges and what needs to change.
“You want men to be better, but we’ve never given them any programs or services to do that. We just say, ‘Don’t be yourself. Don’t be exactly who we raised you to be in society,’” he says. said.
Programming that teaches communication and what a healthy relationship even looks like is essential.
Early next year, Beshara says he hopes to launch a program in schools to teach breathing exercises: taking a two-minute pause and grounding the breath when emotions are swirling. An exercise for the muscles that regulate emotions.
Wade echoes this, saying that programming should start earlier with young children in kindergarten and that parents should also learn about the importance of mental health.
Jody Williams, a wellness and mindset coach, says many men don’t even come forward and express their mental health issues due to stigma and societal pressure. (CBC)
Williams says offering services is a big step, but men have to show up.
“I think a big problem is the lack of men who are willing to come into the room and just openly say, ‘I’m not feeling well, I’m not doing well’… almost every day I cry on at some point. Not always Tears of sorrow, but of compassion and joy. Why do we apologize when we cry when it is appropriate?” Williams said.
“The emotional regulation skills – no matter what’s going on in the world – you’re always going to need them.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with this, you can get help here:
This guide from the Center for Addiction and Mental Health describes how to talk about suicide with someone you are concerned about.
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