When parents become afraid of their child, they lose their ability to parent effectively. This is very painful for the parent and harmful to the child. When parents give in to their fears, they usually relax boundariesgive up discipline and/or become alienated from their child. When this happens, it is a major setback for the child’s development in his ability to modulate his emotions and behavior.
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Some children express their emotions very intensely from childhood. Some of these children are inconsolable or very difficult to comfort. Successful parenting requires the parent to make choices that are best for the child, despite the child’s protests. A common example is a child asking for a cookie before dinner. Good parents require their children to finish their meal before eating dessert. Most children will protest against their parents’ demands, but eventually give in. They accept the parents’ boundaries and can appreciate the parents’ intentions.
Some children do not accept the parents’ limits. These children become increasingly agitated if the parent persists. The child may cry, scream and scream when it reaches an intensity of fury that is disproportionate to the frustration. They protest not being given a cookie with an intensity that suggests something life-threatening. Agitated behavior such as throwing or breaking objects may be present. If arousal continues to build, these children may deliberately try to hurt themselves or others. Understandably, many parents eventually give in to their child and rationalize that the cookie isn’t important enough to warrant a major conflict with their child. This is a critical parental mistake.
When you give in to your child’s anger, you are making it clear to your child that his emotions are uncontrollable and that angering others is a legitimate way to get people to give in. Your child will naturally believe that if you cannot tolerate their feelings, they certainly cannot tolerate their own. It encourages your child to be impulsive instead of learning to regulate his feelings so he can choose informed behavior. She teaches them that too bullying other people is an effective way to get what they want.
By communicating these messages to a child struggling with strong emotions and impulses, a parent encourages the development of symptoms personality disorders. These properties are most common in Cluster B personality disorders, including antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders.
The traumatized parent
In extreme situations, parents become traumatized by their child’s behavior. This happens when their child threatens or carries out unimaginable acts of violence against themselves or others. This includes threats from suicide or attempts to do so self-harmviolence towards others or attempts to run away. These threats and actions occur when a parent tries to set boundaries or discipline the child.
Parents who experience these threats or attempts often develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.traumatic tension disorder (PTSD). The most disruptive thing about parenting efforts is the tendency to do so dissociateor freeze when their child becomes irritated or furious. When this happens, the parent can no longer age. When the child recognizes this, he becomes irritated more often.
If you are a traumatized parent, you need professional help to break this pattern. It is essential that you get this help as soon as possible to reduce the development of a personality disorder in your child and restore safety and peace to your household. Treatment should include trauma therapy for the parent and behavioral therapy for the child, followed by family therapy to create healthy boundaries and discipline at home.
The anxious parent
In less extreme circumstances, children may no longer love the parent or may engage in other disturbing but nonviolent behaviors. This includes refusing to go to school or participate in family events or traditions if they don’t get their way. Out fearparents decide that the consequences for the child are too serious to justify the parent’s limit and give in, as in the cookie example above.
Essential reading on parenting
Anxious parents can create effective processes for setting limits for their child by using techniques that have proven effective with non-compliant children. These techniques will feel uncomfortable for you at first, but will become more natural with regular use. Effective parenting for a child who becomes increasingly irritable as he becomes frustrated requires you to appear calm despite the child’s escalation. These techniques are always more effective when both parents work together as a team. There are many effective techniques that should generally include the following three steps:
1) The first step is to confirm that you understand your child’s feelings and to reassure your child that this is a manageable situation.
2) The second step is to choose a consequence that you can achieve easily and comfortably. In the cookie example, this could take the form of telling the child that he/she can have a cookie after dinner or not at all. If the child refuses to eat and tries to get the cookies out of the cupboard, throw the cookies away.
3) The third step is to provide your child with an effective coping strategy. This might sound something like this:
“I understand that you really want a cookie and are frustrated that you can’t get one until you eat your dinner. Why not think about how good that cookie will taste after you’re done eating your meat and veggies? Now if you eat your dinner without complaining, you might even get two cookies.”
You must be prepared to respond if the child still refuses and tries to carry out his threat. For example, if the child threatens to withdraw from love, you say that that would be a shame, because you only buy birthday or Christmas presents for children who love you. If the child is in danger of not going to school, explain how the school will respond to the truancy and be prepared to contact the school if the child refuses to go.
Parents who are afraid of their children cannot parent effectively. The basic format for raising a nonconforming child is offered above. If you need more help installing effective parenting techniques, working with a parenting coach can help you get started.
To find a therapist, please visit the website Psychology Today Therapy Directory.