Modeling gratitude is key to having kids who aren’t so spoiled, experts tell parents and The i Paper columnist Genevieve Roberts
Genevieve Roberts explores the hot topics and parenting challenges she encounters while raising her three children in her weekly column: Outnumbered
“Where’s my gift?” my friend’s goddaughter asked in welcome. My friend handed over the gift; the only three year old took it out and promptly threw it on the floor. Tumbleweed blew through the hallway. The only person who did not find the situation unbearable was the gift recipient.
You may have witnessed similar scenes at children’s parties or even children’s parties Christmas Day. You may fear you’re raising a spoiled child: no one aspires to raise a Violet Beauregarde instead of a Charlie; a Dudley instead of a Harry Potter. But if today your child has chosen to express displeasure over carefully chosen gifts, take a moment before worrying about whether he or she is entitled to it.
Most children are not spoiledclinical psychologist and author of How to grow upreassures doctor Martha Deiros Collado. “Children cannot be spoiled with affection and love,” she explains. “A spoiled child has a lot of stuff, doesn’t play with it and always wants the next one.” Instead, she says that law is an adult value that we assign to children.
“You can be entitled to teenagers, but primary school children often cannot distinguish between basic needs, such as food and drink, and wishes,” she says. “So ‘I want that teddy bear’ feels like a need. Children’s brains are developing and are flooded with emotions when they receive a gift: that’s true tension., afraid that it might not be what they want, maybe disappointment, relief or joy.” Words can easily get lost in the mix because children feel emotions throughout their bodies, she explains.
In fact, she believes that expecting gratitude for a gift is more likely an example of adult entitlement. “We should give gifts because we want to give them, not with the expectation that others will enjoy them,” she says.
Dr. Isla Clark, psychotherapist for the Child and adolescent mental health services in East Sussexsays that if young children appear ungrateful, for example by throwing toys, it is important to recognize that they may be dysregulated. First, try to identify their feelings and ask if they feel disappointed or frustrated. “Be curious about why it didn’t feel like buying,” she recommends.
“They may struggle with the lack of space in their home if there are many guests staying, or if you are busy with guests. Taking time to check in and have space together can be helpful.” She suggests creating a cozy den in their bedroom so they know it’s okay to make family time and if your child likes structure in the day, let them know in advance how the celebrations are likely to unfold.
When it comes to teen rights, psychologist and founder of the parenting community Good insideAccording to Dr. Becky Kennedy, it’s really fear of frustration. One client came to her after a vacation in Hawaii; her 15-year-old son threw a tantrum at the airport when he discovered they were flying economy. “It’s every parent’s nightmare: your child throws a tantrum, mainly because he has to wait in line.” The parents didn’t know how they ended up with such an entitled teenager. “Understanding what lies beneath the law is the only way we can intervene effectively. So what’s going on with this kid? This family has good intentions and all the children are good children.”
She discovered that he was used to flying first class and was therefore used to maximum comfort. All his life, whenever he got upset, he was talked out of it. When he wasn’t invited to a birthday party, his parents invited friends over for a fun evening. If he didn’t make the football team in his hometown, they would get someone to drive him four towns away. He had never learned to deal with and tolerate frustration; instead, he feared it. When we respond to our children’s frustrations with an outlet for comfort—for example, by suggesting that we buy another gift if they don’t want the first gift—our children learn that we fear that emotion.
“If our dominant pattern is to provide comfort, rather than to help them with frustration, it leads to valuable moments. Helping children Building the skills to tolerate frustration evades justice,” says Dr. Kennedy.
I’m not afraid of my kids being spoiled, even though they have a lot more toys than I did in the 80s. When I asked Xavi, five, what he wanted for Christmas, he asked for collectible penguins that his big sister loves, so that he can give them to her. His kindness felt so sweet that I hugged him – and then doubled down on making sure we got gifts that he wants to keep for himself.
When I was growing up, ingratitude was not welcome, partly I suspect because the blame was placed squarely on the parents for not raising “well-behaved” children, rather than understanding that children are not mini-adults with mini-adult brains.
I was aware that I was being watched by adults when I opened presents. My facial expressions reveal my emotions, whether I prefer to keep them hidden or not. After registering my parents’ disappointment at not being overjoyed with a birthday present one year, when I was about nine, I practiced a surprised and delighted expression at the current opening ritual: I didn’t want to let anyone down. .
Astrid, seven, is also aware of the giver’s emotions, although I sincerely hope it never occurs to her to practice a gift face. She says thank you very much whether she likes gifts or not. I’m very relieved that she will tell us later if she really likes them, if they are ours or someone else’s. “I pretended because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings,” she often explains. Who would have ever taught her that?
Instead of pretending to love gifts, Dr. Collado suggests I show gratitude for the thought. “I’m not always grateful for the gift itself. For example, I don’t like chocolates because I often can’t eat them. But I’m always grateful that someone thinks of me,” she says. It’s something I’m going to practice so I can pass it on: I’ve found my resolution.
As for whether we should buy fewer gifts for children To prevent children from being spoiled, Dr. Collado suggests reducing their number and making sure they are meaningful. “Make sure they enjoy it,” she recommends. “In our home, a hug brings joy and leads to hours of role play. Show that gifts for your children are valuable by caring for them.”
Dr. Clark agrees. “It’s important to have material for imaginary play, but this can be simple: something to dress up with, some farm animals or dolls. Children love being outside in nature and the opportunity to make their own toys and games.”
Gratitude is the antidote to being spoiled, Dr. Clark believes.
“There is no point in telling children to be grateful: that is our own experience from our past. Our children don’t have the same context,” she explains. “Instead, you have to model the behavior and children will copy it.” At Dr. Clark’s home, each family member presents three things they are grateful for during Sunday lunch.
“It started because I am so genuinely grateful that my husband cooked me a roast,” she says. As her eight- and five-year-old children fall back on general gratitudes, such as family, food, and home, she will encourage specific gratitudes. She recommends that families take time on Christmas Day to practice gratitude.
We’re trying it for the first time this year and I hope it becomes a tradition, even if it’s video games, miniature penguins and chocolate that take top priority in my kids’ lives.