Research shows that certain actions can cause you to strongly doubt your relationship. … (+)
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Relationships need to be maintained, and if they aren’t, the consequences are clear. They thrive on love, purpose and support, but begin to wither due to neglect.
A 2022 study published in Evolutionary psychology examined these effects and found six primary behaviors that can drive couples to divorce. Besides the deeply hurtful acts of infidelity, abusive behavior, and a lack of personal effort to keep the spark alive, there were three actions that stood out as the most damaging to a relationship.
Here are the top three behaviors that can irreparably damage a relationship, according to the research.
1. When a partner doesn’t care about you
Study participants believed that the most damaging behavior in a relationship is a lack of care. This includes acts of neglect, indifference and emotional disconnection, such as:
- Failure to show interest in a partner’s feelings or in the relationship.
- Failing to spend quality time together.
- Ignoring a partner’s needs, preferences, or opinions.
- Taking the partner for granted and not expressing appreciation.
- Avoiding emotional or physical intimacy.
When a partner feels unseen or undervalued, it can lead to deep feelings of loneliness and resentment. A study published in the Diary of divorce and remarriage The involvement of divorcing parents in the US confirms this and highlights how insufficient attention from a spouse is a common reason for divorce.
Neglect also indicates a decreased commitment to the relationship, sometimes causing the affected partner to doubt their worth and the future of the marriage. On the other hand, when a partner is seen as caring, responsive and validatingit can increase relationship satisfaction and significantly strengthen the bond.
2. When a partner does not treat your children well
Another very harmful behavior is when a partner abuses shared children or fails to fulfill their parental responsibilities. This may include:
- Failure to spend time with the children.
- Exhibiting inappropriate or abusive parental behavior.
- Undermining the authority or decisions of the other parent.
“People are more concerned about an abusive partner physically harming their children, who are more vulnerable than themselves,” the researchers write.
From an evolutionary perspective, the well-being of children is of paramount importance, and this is one of the main reasons why partners choose to be together. As a result, researchers found that participants would strongly consider ending a relationship if their partner exhibited harmful behavior toward their children.
“Behavior actions that indicate a decreased commitment to the relationship and a decreased ability to reliably care for one’s spouse and children will have a negative effect on people and trigger negative emotions such as anger and disappointment, motivating them to leave the reassess prospects of their relationship,” the researchers add.
Loving parents instinctively prioritize the safety, health, and happiness of their children, so a partner’s failure to do the same can create irreparable rifts. In contrast, showing a united front as co-parents and actively participating in their children’s lives creates a supportive family environment that can only strengthen the marital bond.
3. When a partner is in control
Controlling behavior, such as imposing one’s will on the other person, limiting their freedom, or manipulating that person, ranks third among the most toxic actions in a marriage. In reality, research shows that when a partner is perceived as controlling and neglectful, it is associated with lower relationship satisfaction.
Specific examples of such behavior include:
- Constantly criticizing or blaming a partner.
- Isolating the partner from friends, family, or beloved hobbies and interests.
- Showing excessive jealousy.
- Pushing the partner to make decisions prematurely.
Control involves one’s sense of autonomy, which is a basic human need. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Family Therapy found that when this need is not met, it is strongly associated with relationship dissatisfaction and increased conflict.
Controlling behavior not only harms the partner’s well-being, but also undermines the mutual respect necessary for a healthy relationship. Over time, this dynamic can exacerbate resentment, low self-esteem, and the desire to escape for the partner on the receiving end.
Recognizing and addressing such harmful patterns can potentially pave the way for deeper intimacy and respect. Small, consistent acts of care, whether it’s sharing moments of gratitudeAligning parenting approaches or encouraging individual autonomy can rejuvenate a struggling relationship.
However, it is also important to recognize when your partner is unwilling to do the inner work to truly change, and make the decision to walk away and prioritize your safety and well-being, and that of your children, if that there are.
Ultimately, most partners want to feel valued, loved, and deeply supported in intimate relationships. This is the lifeblood of a long-term relationship, while neglect and controlling behavior can only contribute to decline. For their own good, partners in every relationship must make a commitment to grow, whether together or apart.
Do you experience a lack of control in your relationship? Take this scientifically based test for more information: Relationship Control Scale