By Bhogtoram Mawroh
A common slur against matrilineal customs is that they somehow lead to broken families and the high prevalence of single parenthood in Meghalaya. This statement comes from a particular study titled ‘Exploratory Study on Socio-Economic Status and Problems of Single Mothers in Meghalaya’, conducted by the Meghalaya State Commission for Women (MSCW). The research took place between October 2016 and June 2017 and covered seven of the then eleven districts. I have tried to find this report but so far have been unsuccessful. What I could also gather from the news reports about this study is that out of the seven districts, Ri Bhoi had the highest percentage of single mothers at 19.2%, followed by West Khasi Hills (16.6%) and West Garo Hills (15. 2%), while East Khasi Hills had 10.6% single mothers. If you add the percentage from these four districts together, the average percentage of families with single mothers is approximately 15%. This is higher than the national average which, according to another news report, based on the UN survey (it does not say which agency did this) was 7% or half of Meghalaya’s figure. This gives rise to the narrative that somehow matrilineal customs are the reason there are so many broken families in the state. Of course, many are unaware or ignore the fact that single parenthood rates around the world are much higher than those in Meghalaya.
In 2019, the Pew Research Center, a respected research group in Washington, DC, published data on single-parent households. It showed that the highest percentage of single-parent families is in the US at 23%, followed by Britain at 21%, São Tomé and Príncipe at 19%, Russia at 18%, Kenya and France at 16%, Ireland at 14%. %, Germany with 12% and Uganda with 10%. You can see that six of the top nine countries have figures higher than Meghalaya. It is already noticeable that the countries are quite diverse and have representatives from every continent except South America and Australia. Some are first world countries, while others are second and third world countries. But there are also some similarities. A common feature is that the dominant populations in these countries do not follow matrilineal customs. It is therefore difficult to understand how societies with patrilineal customs can have a higher percentage of single parents than Meghalaya, where matrilineal customs are blamed for this phenomenon. If you look closely, you will see another similarity between all these countries, which they share with Meghalaya: the population of these regions is predominantly Christian. This questions whether it is not matrilineal culture but the introduction of Christianity (a highly patriarchal religion) that created the conditions for broken families and subsequently led to the phenomenon of single parenthood. Some argue that correlation does not equal causation, meaning that just because all regions with a high percentage of single parents are predominantly Christian, it does not mean that Christianity is the cause. But those who know a little about statistics will also know that correlation is the first condition for establishing causality. Let’s examine who is to blame for our state’s broken homes, the matrilineal practices of Christianity.
Although no longer heard, the original marriage customs that must have been in vogue among the Khasi were similar to the concept of ‘walking marriage’ among the Mosuo people of southern China. The husband or partner, who is treated as a guest by the woman’s family, comes only at night and returns to his maternal home at dawn. PRT Gurdon confirmed the existence of this custom in his 1914 book ‘the Khasis’. In the section ‘Marriage’ he described that among the Synteng (another name for the Pnar) the husband did not enter his mother-in-law’s house until the visits in the dark. While there, “he does not eat, smoke or even take betel nut there… because none of his income goes to this house, and therefore it is not etiquette for him to eat or take any other refreshment there.” Residents of Jowai, especially the Synteng/Pnar, reported this, claiming that their niam (religious ceremonies) were purer than those of other Khasis. They believed that their practices were closer to ancient traditions. That the matrilineal Musou of China and the Minangkabau of Indonesia have similar customs, that husbands are treated as guests in their mother-in-law’s home and not as permanent residents, proves that the information in the book was indeed correct. The culture of ‘walking marriages’ was indeed the purest form of matrilineal customs.
In this original form of matrilineal practice, there is no possibility of a broken family leading to single parenthood, because the family always consisted of a single parent. The mother, assisted by her brothers, mother and grandmother, raises the child. Critics often claim that fathers play a very limited role in this arrangement, and are seen only as ‘breeding bulls’. But what people downplay is the role of a Khasi man towards his sister’s children because they belong to the same kur and not his, who belong to his wife’s kur. Which role, uncle or father, is considered more important therefore depends on which culture, Khasi or Middle Eastern Christian, is given priority.
In a Middle Eastern (Semitic) Christian worldview – which includes cultures such as the Jews and the Arabs – marriage, blood or adoption define the family. Unlike the original Khasi culture, where men and women do not live together, a Middle Eastern Christian worldview requires married couples to stay together. This then creates the conditions for domestic conflict. Khasi men who criticize matrilineal customs often complain of having to move to their wives’ homes after marriage, where they often face disrespect, especially from their mothers-in-law. However, no one acknowledges that women often face similar treatment when they move into their husband’s home. So why is the mistreatment of women not given the same importance as the mistreatment of men? Doesn’t this once again show the influence of patriarchal Christianity, where a woman submits to her husband, who has authority over her? So it is more a complaint from men who consider Christianity more important than Khasi customs.
Another major problem that has plagued not only our society but many others around the world is that of domestic violence against women. Such a situation would not arise in traditional Khasi society because husband and wife do not stay together. So the ‘misunderstanding’ that leads to man attacking woman actually stems from a patriarchal system that views one gender as superior to the other. Because it is a woman who is dependent on the husband, she usually suffers from the violence. However, in a matrilineal society, mothers and uncles share the responsibility of raising children and managing the household in a matrilineal society, resulting in equal treatment. Moreover, because they live in the same house, they are not strangers who have become part of the family, but have always been family; unlike in a patrilineal system in which a woman leaves her home to come and stay with her husband, a stranger and the rightful owner of the house she arrives at. In the matrilineal system, both men and women always remain in their own homes and therefore face no prospect of discrimination as the weaker sex.
Thus, the concept of a broken home and single parenthood largely stems from patrilineal logic, where a woman is torn away from her kin and placed under the rule of her husband, who may then abandon her. A very important finding emerges from another 2022 study titled ‘Report of the Exploratory Study on the Socio Economic Status and Problems of Single Mothers (SM) in Meghalaya’ by MSCW in collaboration with the Department of Anthropology of NEHU and the Department of Social Affairs of MLCU was that more than 60% of the most important factor for single mother is widowhood, i.e. the husband died and not that he walked away as popularly claimed (an early version of WhatsApp University knowledge). However, if you already have a bias against a particular perspective, you will interpret the information to fit your preconceived ideas, ignoring what the data and logic actually show.
One argument could be that the percentage of single parents in India is less than 10%, but it is a predominantly Hindu country that is very patriarchal (check out the Manusmriti on this). For want of space, I would suggest the readers to find out for themselves the situation of a woman in a Hindu society, just look for deaths related to dowries, the condition of widows and the importance of girls. Even if a couple remains married, this does not mean that the family will not fall apart. What do we do now? Patrilineal customs, Hindu or Christian, have a built-in logic that ultimately leads to broken homes, single parenthood and violence against women. A logical answer would be to abandon these cultures and accept matrilineal customs in their original form. I don’t know if that’s possible, although it would be desirable. What needs to happen instead is that we learn the true cause of broken homes and ask ourselves what we can learn from our matrilineal customs so that we can ensure that our coming generations do not suffer from the sins of patrilineal customs. Even if we cannot go back to the original ways, perhaps we can move forward with a better understanding of how things could be.
(The views expressed in the article are those of the author and in no way reflect his affiliation with any organization or institution)