Dear Eric: My good friend Helen and I both have 16-year-old daughters. Last year my daughter made a small, beautifully decorated cake for Helen’s daughter’s birthday.
My daughter decided to give Helen’s daughter a cake as a gift this year. I didn’t know this. Three weeks before the Sweet 16 party, my daughter received a call from Helen’s sister, who used to be a baker. She started to tell me that my daughter made the cake for the entire party of 60 people. A week later, the baker sent me a large list of ingredients, cake supplies, and descriptions of eight cakes she expected my daughter to get and make.
I called Helen and told her this is crazy. Helen responded that she does indeed expect my daughter to do all that, because my daughter was the one who said she was giving “the cake” as a gift for the party.
My daughter was planning to make another small cake, and she told Helen’s daughter about it. Helen’s daughter told Helen that my daughter was making the big cake. When Helen and her sister called my daughter, she just got on with it. I’m angry because I get caught up in what seems to me like confusion, poor planning, communication, and coordination. I’m in two minds: one says we’ll gift the cake for the party, deal with the unexpected costs, and call it a day. And the other says: call Helen and tell her to arrange the cake for the rest of the party. What do you think would be appropriate or reasonable to do at this time?
— Cake consequences
Best cake: A bit half-baked, right? Why would two grown adults, one of whom was a professional baker, think that a 16-year-old amateur baker could deliver a cake for 60 euros? Besides, why would they want that? Even if your daughter had volunteered to take on the enormous task – which she clearly did not – it would be unwise for her to accept her offer.
Some of this is miscommunication, but more of it is because adults don’t ask certain basic questions. Questions like “Really?” and “Are you sure?”
It is reasonable to tell Helen that your daughter’s industrial kitchen is not open, and that she alone can be responsible for the small cake. It will still be a special day, and less stressful, and a smaller gesture will probably be more meaningful. If you’re worried that this will permanently damage your friendship with Helen, you can also tell her that you’re willing to pay for all or half of the cake for 60 people made by someone else. But be clear about expectations around the price range.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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