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So a Republican won an election, and you know what that means. Jimmy Carter must live another four years. It is also time for liberals to tell themselves that they are still right about everything and that their hysteria and delusions about persecution are completely normal.
But right now they’re melting like that stick of butter Joy Behar holds between her thighs to prevent chafing. Case in point: last night all the other late night hosts threw a hissy fit. Are Too bad Tim Walz is still in mourning, otherwise he could send them all a bag of industrial tampons. Poor Jimmy. Granted, it was a terrible night for women, children and for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who mowed his lawn.
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JIMMY KIMMEL: It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hardworking immigrants who keep this country running. For healthcare, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for freedom of expression. It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who rely on Social Security. For our allies in Ukrainefor NATO, for the truth. And democracy and decency. And it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him. And guess what? It was also a bad evening for everyone who voted for him. You just don’t realize it yet.
You know what? If I ever cry on TV, it will be because Maroon 5 released a new song. But that’s it, big ****. Remember when Johnny Carson cried like a baby because Ronald Reagan got elected? Yeah, me neither. And do you know why he didn’t? Because his wife didn’t keep his balls in a Tupperware container next to a box of tofu burgers. But the killer line was at the end when Kimmel said“You just don’t realize it.” Because you see, he’s smarter than you and he wants you to know it. And his ego can’t bear the fact that there is someone more famous and influential than him. I have news for you, Kimmel. The last time you mattered, Bruce Jenner still had a penis.
I love you, Bruce.
Caitlyn Jenner arrives at the 2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Graydon Carter at the Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on February 28, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California. (John Shearer/Getty Images)
Jimmy’s career peaked with busty girls on trampolines. The only breast we see now is him. He once co-hosted the Man show. Now he’s crying like he just watched Steel Magnolias three days into his menstrual cycle. Here’s another gloomy multi-millionaire.
STEFEN COLBERT: Hello there. How are you? If you watch the show regularly, I don’t think you’re doing too well. Yeah, me neither.
Are you not doing well? You are filthy rich and completely immune to the nonsense you foist on others. By the way, that’s actually me I’m fine, Stefan. Besides the 48 hour erection I’ve had since they called Pennsylvania, I don’t feel any pain, man.
But Stephen, have you tried to get over yourself? You’ve been bashing Trump for eight years, and all you’ve done is help him return to power. After being wrong every day and night for eight years, you might consider trying something new, like, I don’t know, comedy. But at least Seth Meyers reveals the source of his fear: relevance. Trump has it. He doesn’t.
SETH MEYERS: We live in an infinite time warp where Donald Trump has always been and always will be the center of the universe. There is no escape. We all salute our powerful and benevolent supreme leader.
Hmmm, or how about you just do your stupid little comedy show and stop pretending you were trying to save the world but we were too ungrateful to listen to your genius. NBC’s late-night show used to be crazy high jinks until Seth turned him around an hour with your gay therapist. So these guys are experiencing deep mental pain. And it’s not just them. Journalists are now offering tips on how to deal with their disappointment, frustration and even fear. And I get it. That’s normal after a loss.
FOX NEWS VOTERS ANALYSIS: HOW TRUMP GOT THE WHITE HOUSE BACK
I’m still angry about losing the world’s sexiest man to Johnny Depp. But why would people feel fear? Maybe because it’s only news sources that keep telling them that Trump is going to turn America into Nazi Germany. But you know who felt actual fear during the Biden administration? People who had to take the subway or run errands or anyone who wants to fuck a girl who doesn’t have testicles. That’s a lot of people. But now even Kamala admits that everything will be fine. So far Trump is Hitler. It turns out she was lying the whole time. They all were.
Nevertheless, CBS provided useful tips for dealing with loss. CNN recommends taking deep breaths and taking long walks. And please, don’t suppress your emotions. If they cry so much, they usually share a ride with Brian Stelter on Taco Tuesday. And so the media gives you solutions to the problems they caused.
After all, who caused all the fear by promising the apocalypse if Trump won? They did. It looks like climate hysteria. They beat the drum enough and then children started suffering from climate stress.
Look at Kimmel and Colbert, they’re fucking wrecks for believing the media. And yet everything goes well, because we are not brainwashed. We know the task of the media is lying to create fear disproportionate to the actual threat, or to create no threat at all.
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Journalists really only have to give you one tip to deal with stress and that is: stop paying attention to journalists. Maybe these late night losers will stop thinking the world is ending, because we know that under Trump it is actually just beginning.
Greg Gutfeld currently hosts Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11:00 PM – 12:00 AM/ET) and co-host of the top-rated cable news program The Five (weekdays, 5:00-6:00 PM/ET).