Dear Eric, I am 51 years old. I have been in a relationship with “John” for two and a half years now. After a year he came to live with us to help with the mortgage. He usually pays, but when he misses a month and I ask about it, he gets angry, which I think is a very strange reaction.
If I ever get angry about something he turns around and gets angry at me and often blames me.
He works from home most of the time and has many Zoom calls a day. He says the work is better than he could have imagined. But during this time we haven’t had any holidays together. When I ask him if I’m going on a trip together, he always tells me to go because he’s too busy and needs to stop being hostile.
We have eaten with mutual friends less than 10 times. He seems to be a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and occasionally go out to eat together. I’m flattered that he wants to spend time with me, but I’m sad that we don’t have intercourse together.
I feel bored and uninspired.
He does not want to say anything about his financial situation. He is very secretive. When his parents are in town, he eats with them six nights a week at 5 p.m. for a few months. I think this is exaggerated.
I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.
– I’m not sure I’ll be single again
Hi, I’m not sure: I don’t want to be too blunt, but I’m confused about what you’re getting out of this relationship. Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and angry about the mortgage payments. He makes a lot of time for his parents and work, but no time to build a relationship with you.
There is a difference between being a workaholic and being someone who is unwilling to be an equal partner in a relationship. It seems like he’s the latter and if he’s not interested in learning how to show up for you, you need to show up for yourself and show him the door.
You write that you are flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you does you no favors; it’s something he should want to do and be proactive about. You deserve that.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him further Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.