Dear Erik: I have struggled for the past thirty years with a mild autoimmune disease that flares up from time to time. Normal life is difficult during the outbursts, especially when I’m raising a family and running a business with my husband. I did my best.
About five years ago I became extremely ill, and it just got worse and worse. During this time I mourned the loss of my two brothers and my father. Other traumatic things happened too.
I’m trying to heal and most of all I’m trying to make the most of every day I have, even when I don’t. I regularly read your wonderful column. What would you recommend to help me with the little bit of bitterness I feel about people who complain about the smallest, often ridiculous non-issues, people who waste their precious days with anger or resentment over things that aren’t big issues, when There are people who hope for another year.
– No complaints
Best No Complaints: I am always impressed when I read the wise words of Kate Bowler, professor at Duke Divinity School and Christian scholar, who often writes about navigating life after a diagnosis of stage IV colon cancer. In her book ‘Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I Love’, she writes: ‘I keep having the same unkind thought: I’m preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram.’
How can everyone else get so caught up in their little problems when life is so fragile and fleeting? Often we willfully fail to recognize the preciousness of our days because it is a reminder of their finitude.
While the shortsightedness of others bothers you, use it as a reminder that they didn’t do the work you did. And that, to paraphrase Ian McLaren, they are fighting a battle we know nothing about. For many people, this struggle is against a lack of meaning in their own lives.
Bitterness steals the crumbs of your gratitude and awe. So use the bitter feeling as an alarm signal: alert! This person is not in the same place as me. Use it as permission to tune them out (or even remove them from your life altogether for a while) and refocus on yourself, your journey, and the parts of your life that connect you to meaning, wonder, and gratitude.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him further Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.