When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to forget that the little things matter. The little kindnesses: Buying your partner a special treat or leaving a little note so he or she can go a long way in the morning. However, this also applies to the little things that push people away, often without you even realizing it.
This is called self-sabotage, and many of us are guilty of it. It may be unconscious (like you’re not doing it intentionally to hurt your partner or your relationship), but you’re still choosing to sabotage yourself and your relationship on some level. But once you recognize it, you can stop.
Here are seven traits of women that modestly sabotage every good relationship they’re in:
1. Overreacting due to painful past experiences
Sometimes, when we get seriously hurt, or when we finally get out of that difficult marriage, we make a commitment to ourselves that we will never end up with someone like that again.
For example, you were in a relationship with a man who cheated on you. Then you decide, “I will never end up with a guy who cheats again.” So you go to the other extreme and date a man who really loves you. He is a good person but too in your face and rushing your relationship.
Now you notice that you have no freedom, you feel smothered and it is all too much. Bam! You have sabotaged your happiness by protecting yourself.
All because you were afraid of getting hurt. Self-sabotage means you do things to hurt yourself or to undermine a goal you have. If your goal is to have a healthy, happy relationship, you may find yourself sabotaging yourself by doing things you know your partner won’t like, or by undermining the relationship itself. You may hear yourself whining, or find yourself flirting and considering cheating.
How to stop self-sabotage: Spend some time alone and discover what a truly happy, healthy relationship looks like for you. Do you want someone to be there all the time and crawl over you, or does that get annoying? Would you prefer some space and a few date nights a week together?
A study in The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry demonstrates that whatever hurt you in the past, address it and figure out what you want a real relationship to look like in the future – and not just be reactionary to your pain.
2. Saying you’re too busy when he asks you on a date
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I see this happen all the time when women feel confused about how much interest to show a guy they really like.
They are told not to change their plans for their partner (because hello, “strong, independent woman with a life!” or they don’t want to be called “beaten”). But honestly, it depends on who you are and what your patterns are.
How to stop: If you are someone who always tells friends and men that you are too busy, you need to change that. “Too busy,” says the other, “you are not important to me.”
If you want love, and the relationship is going well, make the person you like a priority in your life.
3. Become more likely to act like ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’
A big mistake (and huge turn-off) is someone who acts like you’re in a full-fledged relationship after the first few dates.
Has this ever happened to you? You meet a man online. He asks you out for next Friday, and before you even meet him in person, he calls, texts, and plans your future together.
How to stop: You have to catch (and stop) yourself when you do this. Before you get anything serious (maybe after the first date), take it slow and visualize how you would like your relationship to progress, such as explained in the Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Think about the signs that a relationship is getting serious and make a list.
Your first kiss, the first night spent with the other person, or the “define the relationship” conversation are all good markers for the survival of a relationship. Then be realistic about what each means. Your first kiss isn’t a sign that it’s time to commit, nor is it a sign that you should text them a hundred times a day or expect them to attend your grandmother’s funeral.
Bring your realistic expectations in advance so that you don’t embarrass yourself and sabotage the progress you make together.
4. Don’t show interest if you are interested
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You don’t have to chase someone, but people do need to know that their efforts are recognized and that you are interested in them. Playing hard to get could cost you the relationship.
A quality person will treat you the same way as anyone else around them: as important, valued and valued.
How to stop: Be brave, even if it means potential risk rejection. If you like someone and he’s a good person, let him know. The right person will love this. If you like someone and want to spend more time with them, just ask.
Self-sabotage will result in rejection anyway; it’s better to take the risk and maybe find real love along the way.
5. Acting indifferently once you realize you really like someone
Many people – especially women – have a bold confidence until they genuinely like someone. Is this you?
Once you discover that you like them, all your insecurities come to the surface and, to protect yourself, you start pretending you don’t care. At first it may seem a bit cute and inspire the other person to ‘pursue’ you, but eventually people get tired of this and move on.
How to stop: You have to be consistent. Don’t let feigned indifference get in the way of your greatest dream. Be consistent in your love, your behavior and your words. The Handbook for coseness and intimacy shows how it’s the only way to build true intimacy. The person you like cannot read your mind.
6. Looking for ‘problems’ in your relationship where they don’t exist
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Have you ever started a fight because you didn’t want him to think you loved him more than he loved you? Or are you afraid she will cheat on you, so you check her phone and keep bringing up the subject?
How to stop: Catch yourself when you notice that you are creating problems with your wonderful partner (who has shown you no evidence that there is a problem in your relationship). Is this in your head?
Don’t try to create what you fear by looking for problems that don’t exist. That’s just classic self-sabotage, and you both deserve better.
7. Constantly testing your partner’s love for you
If you have to test them or make them jump through hoops, you’re either in the wrong relationship or your “things” are showing up and getting in the way. Quality people are not attracted to being tested.
When you test someone’s love or loyalty, or even how well he or she “understands” you, it’s classic self-sabotage.
This is all a lack of communication on your part about what you want, need and desire. Testing someone’s love comes from insecurity and lack of self-love explained by Candel, OS, and Turliuc, MN in their meta-analysis of insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction. Instead, just speak up and tell him clearly what you want.
How to stop: If you absolutely must have proof of your connection, look for it in the way your partner treats you on a daily basis. Look for the ways they show love in their language.
Someone sticking around when you treat him or her poorly is not proof that he or she loves you; it is evidence that he or she is willing to be treated poorly. Ask yourself why you are willing to be the person who treats loved ones this way.
Self-sabotage is common in happy relationships and can manifest itself in many subtle ways.
No matter how beautiful you are (inside and out) and how close you are to finding true love, if you behave in a way that sabotages the connection, it will cost you dearly.
Lorna Poole is an international coach and professional speaker. She empowers women to love beyond fear, pain and regret to attract the partner they truly deserve.
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