Dear Annie: My mother-in-law currently lives with my husband and me.
She insisted that she had to move in with us because she was divorcing her husband, who received a much larger pension than her, and she was convinced that she could not live on her own.
She owned her home outright, but refused to stay in it because she felt the maintenance of the land would be too much.
My husband was afraid that if we said no, we would lose that relationship, and we believed that she would be able to compromise and live peacefully with us, as she stated that she valued honesty and compromise as we do . (We both see in retrospect that this was flawed, but we never had any reason to doubt her at the time).
She contributed money to help us buy the house (a major sticking point), and we all moved in and quickly discovered that she is not what she pretends to be.
She is mean, vindictive and manipulative. She expects my husband, who is autistic and definitely needs decompression time, to drop everything as soon as she asks to help her with something, like he did when he lived with her. When he tells her no, she becomes passive aggressive and cold. We try to set boundaries, and it turns our house into a war zone.
Annie, I have PTSD. I have dealt with a lot of abuse in my life, and this type of conflict puts me at a great advantage. I have panic attacks in my room and I obsess over every little thing she does to try and understand because I’m constantly in survival mode. We are afraid to try to “kick her out” because my husband is concerned about how the fallout will affect me, so we wait until the divorce is finalized and until she has more money than she thought so she will deciding to leave because she hated living with us (something I’m not sure will happen, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there).
My big question is: How can I find peace through all of this? How do I take care of myself and my husband without her continuing to get me into trouble? I’m having such a hard time in this situation, to the point that my husband and I don’t invite friends or family over because we’re worried about the consequences. I just want some peace and quiet with my husband. — Drowning in drama
Dear Drowning in Drama: Right now, you’re in a time of uncertainty. You wait until your living situation changes and returns to the way it was. It seems like your mother-in-law’s move will be beneficial for all of you. As you wait, repeat the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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