Although Christmas is meant to be a time of rest, happy families and a general feeling of cheerfulness, for many of us it can be quite the opposite. Instead, the festive season is characterized by stress, exhaustion and lots of arguments.
If that sounds familiar, fear not. Our regular GP Dr Radha Modgil is here to answer your question questions about the relationship and wellbeing issues you are currently facing…
Christmas feels stressful every year. What’s the most practical way to stay calm amid the chaos?
Try to identify the real one source of your stress and solve problems at this level. Is it financial, practical, emotional or social? Sometimes there are themes that recur every year, and other years there may be a specific and unique area of stress in your life that Christmas emphasizes and exacerbates.
Whatever the stress, preparation and planning always help. Write a list of things you need to do and start working on them slowly but surely. Also use some moment-to-moment techniques, such as deep breathing, exercise and mindfulness can be useful.
Above all, remember that no matter what we see in TV advertisements or in magazines, nothing can ever be perfect and the pursuit of perfectionism at Christmas can in itself cause the exact opposite.
Take the pressure off and remember that it is only one day out of 365 days of the coming year.
I can’t deal with half my family. How can I avoid arguing with them?
You can’t change people; only they can change themselves. And it’s unlikely they’ll choose to do so again this Christmas unless a festive miracle is on the cards. Realizing this will lower your expectations, reduce resistance, and help you become realistic about the fact that you will face new challenges in this area.
Every relationship dynamic and argument involves two people, and so if you can’t change them, all you can do is try to change what you bring to the Christmas table. Identify the specific flashpoints and triggers of what they say or do, or the moments and traditions that trigger argumentsand make a plan for how you will respond differently, or more to the point, in a different way.
Responding means taking a deep breath, noticing the potential trigger, and using your conscious brain to choose a different path. This could actually be saying nothing at all, or smiling, or changing the subject, or subtly leaving the room to the bathroom, or offering to do a chore that requires you go outside. Everything that creates space.
Promise yourself that every time you can respond differently, you will score yourself an internal bonus point, like in a computer game, which you can ‘cash in’ at a later time for something tasty for yourself. It can also be helpful to release all those pent-up emotions later in the day or week by taking a walk, singing loudly, or calling your best friend for a rant.
I’m single and I’m tired of asking questions about it: how should I deal with it?
First, recognize that it is not necessarily the question itself, but perhaps more the energy, implications and intention behind asking the question and how it is asked, as well as by whom and in what context. Sometimes people who care about us ask us this in context and with an energy that is caringor helpful.
But if you think about the question this way, it’s because the person who keeps asking the question is portraying you as single in a negative way, that he or she is nosy or pushy, or that he or she is judging you, or that a good Intention Question only triggers how you feel within yourself.
Find out which of these it is and work with it to find a solution. If it’s other people, realize that anything other people try to ‘criticize’ or judge is often a reflection of a problem with them – they may be unhappy in their own relationships, bored in their own lives, or have a low self-esteem and so by trying to ‘put you down’ they are trying to lift themselves up.
If it comes up, take a deep breath, smile and end the conversation by answering simply and succinctly about how happy you are just the way you are and turn the question to them and ask how they are doing, or close it just off completely.
If the question is well-intentioned, think about how it makes you feel and how it makes you feel thoughts are about being single. Before Christmas Day arrives, write down a list of the benefits of being single for yourself: what benefits it brings, what you would miss if you were single, and also what opportunities it opens up for you.
Reread this every day until Christmas and begin to embrace who you are and what life brings you now, so that when that conversation comes up, you’ll be more confident about how you feel about it.
It’s hard when you can’t get in the mood (Photo: shironosov/Getty/iStockphoto)
Everyone around me is feeling happy, but I’ve had a tough year and I’m just not feeling it – what should I do?
Every Christmas brings about different feelings depending on what happened that year. And this is more than okay.
When we suppress our feelings and push things down and pretend, it doesn’t benefit anyone – not us and not the people who love us and are around us. You need to figure out what kind of Christmas you need this year, and not the kind of Christmas you ‘should’ have or the kind of Christmas other people want to be at.
If you need some space, set boundaries about who you’re around, where you go, and for how long. Now tell people what you are going to do and stick to it so that the feelings are not too overwhelming and they know that you feel vulnerable and need some support.
If you want to remember someone you love who you lost, Then think about how you can do that at Christmas – perhaps by writing about them in a diary, creating a memory book, or visiting a special place they loved. Emotions are completely valid and acceptable every day of the year, even if it is Christmas Day, and you are allowed to express how you feel and give yourself what you need without judgment from others or yourself.
If you need to cry, do so; if you feel sad and want to be alone, you can; if you need to be with a few select people who love you, be around them; and if you have to leave earlier than normal, do so.
Being authentic and telling people how you feel brings us closer to people and benefits our relationships, so don’t be afraid to be yourself.
I find Christmas tiring and always go back to work less rested than ever – how can I avoid that this year?
The basic question here is: what does Christmas mean to you? This may vary from year to year, but ultimately it represents different things to all of us – it could be family time, it could be a time of rest and relaxationor a time when you like to be social or seek some peace and quiet.
If you’re starting to feel like Christmas is actually more ‘hard work’ than fun, and starting to feel like a hassle and stress and something that’s detrimental to your well-being and health, then it’s time to rewrite your Christmas story.
Identify why you feel so tired: is it other people’s expectations, are you bad at delegating, are you a people pleaser and put yourself last, or are you a perfectionist? Realize that these previous patterns are traps that destroy you and what you need.
Start asking others to lend a hand, delegate, and take the pressure off yourself. Maybe book somewhere go for Christmas lunchor someone else can host it. Start saying no to things, people and obligations and just have a few days where you have no responsibilities to anyone.
Think about what makes you feel rested: is it sleep, is it time for yourself, is it escapism and watching a few hours of movies, is it taking a long walk or is it getting involved in a hobby that you enjoy and something very do something different and go to a new place. And do it.
You may initially encounter some resistance from others, but if you make the changes slowly but surely, in a few years your party story will be completely different from that of the past.