Hearing your child talk about feeling like he has no friends can be heartbreaking. Although we cannot make friends for our children, we can do a lot to ease the social journey for them.
1. Reach for empathy first
Some extra love from mom or dad can ease the sting friendship struggles. Reflecting your child’s thoughts and feelings can help your child feel heard and understood. You might say, “It sounds like you’ve had a rough day,” or “It hurt your feelings when she said that.” You can also ask, “Do you need a hug?” or propose an outing for just the two of you.
2. Try not to overreact
You may be tempted to intervene like an avenging angel by contacting the other child’s parent or talking to that child directly. Don’t. Unless your child is in danger or it is a very serious case bullyingit is usually best to give children the opportunity to resolve disagreements on their own.
Children’s feelings can change quickly. So the child your child claims to hate today could be a favorite friend next week.
3. Support emotional awareness
What drives the development of friendships in children is a growing ability to understand someone else’s perspective.
After you validate your child’s feelings, you may be able to help your child imagine the other child’s perspective by asking questions. You might say, “Why do you think he did that?”, “How do you think she felt?”, or “Why do you think that bothered them?” Imagining another child’s feelings can help soothe your child’s fury and encourage more caring responses.
4. Get more information
Your child’s story may not be complete because it is difficult for children to see their own role in social problems. If problems persist, it may help to get more information by talking to your child’s teacher. You can also see how your child interacts with peers on the playground, during a play date, or while volunteering in your child’s classroom.
5. Coach your child
You may be able to guide your child to interact better with peers. Be careful not to correct your child in front of other children. Keep the coaching private.
During a neutral moment, you can role-play with your child, practicing friendly greetings or responding calmly to teasing. You can also help your child create and practice self-soothing strategies that he can use in frustrating situations, such as losing a game.
Finding books or podcasts about friendship that you can share with your child can be a helpful and non-threatening way to discuss friendship topics. Every episode of my weekly, 5 minute podcast, Children ask Dr. Friendtasticincludes an audio recording of a child’s friendship question, plus a practical and thought-provoking answer.
6. Be alert for stop signals
Help your child notice and respond to stop signals. When other children say things like ‘Stop it! You’re annoying!”, it’s important to stop as soon as possible. Otherwise, your child will indicate, “I don’t care about your feelings!”
For some children, quitting is difficult. Having a plan to sit on your hands or cross your arms and step back, or even to say, “I’m going to stop now,” can make it easier for children to break away from the annoying behavior. to come.
7. Find your child’s people
Children make friends by doing fun things together. What does your child like to do that he or she could do with other children? Joining a new club or after-school activity can be a good way to find friends with similar interests.
8. Practice showing openness to friendship
Ask your child, “How can you show someone that you want to be friends with them?” A friendly greeting, a sincere compliment, or a small act of kindness such as sharing or helping are simple ways your child can show sympathy. Plan or practice some of these.
9. Create opportunities to grow friendships
One-on-one playdates or get-togethers can be a great way to deepen informal friendships.
Often children are reluctant to invite someone, claiming, “I don’t know them very well!” But by inviting someone, children get to know each other better. If your child and the other child have had fun together, that is a good basis for getting together.
When the other child arrives for the get-together, offer your child a choice of two activities. This avoids initial awkwardness in deciding what to do.
You may also want to try inviting another family over for a family game night.
10. Focus on being friendly instead of being impressive
Sometimes children think they have to impress others to make friends. They may brag or try to be funny. But bragging can come across as a slight, and humor is a risky social strategy because if it’s even slightly off, it’s not funny; it’s annoying.
Instead, your child can focus on his interest in others. They can ask questions that start with “what” or “how” to get to know other children and try to remember the answers to show that they care.
11. Express the importance of friendship
Show your child that you make time for friendship. If you do something nice for a friend, tell your child what you are doing and why. When you make plans with friends, share your joyful anticipation and your enjoyment afterwards. If you’re nervous about reaching out to people, talk to your child about the fact that it’s scary for you, but you do it anyway.
12. Seek professional help if necessary
Sometimes friendship problems require professional help. If your child is being harassed or threatened at school, enlist the help of school staff to keep your child safe. If your child’s social problems persist for weeks or months, you may want to consult a mental health professional or try a social skills group, where your child can practice interacting with others in a safe, constructive environment.
To find a therapist, please visit the website Psychology Today Therapy Directory.