Christmas and the build-up to it are often lonely, difficult and full of unreasonable expectations. Here’s how you can make it to Jesus’ birthday and find the little joy we all deserve.
Found you this year merciless? Has the latest Apple update “Ruined your life”? Have you lost two pairs of sunglasses, left the door wide open all day while you were at work, and have run out of food for your children, both human and canine, in the past week? Have you read too much bad news, experienced too much bad news or have you been called? a licorice nut because you don’t show up somewhere?
Have you swallowed too much of the Wicked press tour/hawk tuah girl/Ray Gun/Brat/ be good and patient?
Are you experiencing the mental equivalent of Kermit spinning around in a bucket, stuck in a loop of writing lists, checking them twice and then forgetting what was on them two minutes later?
You’re not alone.
Christmas is a really stressful time for many people. Thanks to the Gregorian calendar and the hemisphere in which this charming little pee country is located, Christmas and most of most people’s free time falls at the end of the year. It creates pressure, expectations, anxiety, stress and financial strain. Too many people in this country spend Christmas being reminded of everything they don’t have, while the bounty of the season comes into full view.
Christmas and its cousin, New Year, can also be very lonely. A series of bad life decisions left me alone on New Year’s Eve for a year in my twenties, driving to my parents in Hamilton for company. They had plans and went outside. I went to bed crying, convinced that my life was essentially over. Dad made me get up when they got home and have a Cointreau with them. It didn’t help. It was also a year in a life of many years full of happiness. For those who are isolated and alone for more complex and permanent reasons, the season often brings the worst consequences of not having people to care for you.
For those who have lost loved ones recently or decades ago, the joy of spending time with family can bring enormous waves of grief. Some people didn’t have an idyllic childhood, and Christmas is a crushing reminder of that. Some people are in prison, others are in the hospital and many are working. To the people who work to feed us, entertain us, and keep us safe and healthy: blessings and thanks.
Image: Getty
At the end of May this year I had what the girls call a “menty b”. If we’re not being cute and euphemistic, it was probably burnout or just plain old faith, depression. Whatever it was, it felt like I had been running really fast and suddenly hit a wall. I returned to therapy and started taking an SSRI again. A balance was struck, and I frustratingly found that I still had new tricks to learn about dealing with the maddening crowd of my own expectations, worries about what people thought of me, and a life full of other triggers that kept me in the darkest brought into the world. fog. I learned to hear the harsh things I said to myself and recognize them for what they were. Fear that used to sit unidentified in my stomach and expanded into avoidance and self-flagellation was given a name. It turns out that just saying “Oh, that’s it” did wonders for coping. Most importantly, and infuriating to a lifelong cynic, I have learned that speaking softly to yourself is not some mystical art form practiced by woodland gnomes and losers; in fact it is essential.
Here’s the softie’s guide to getting through the next few days and making the season less stressful and more your own.
Make lists and then dump at least 50% of what’s on them
Apologies to my colleagues who are just now finding out about this, but I planned to make a lot of jars of tomato and pepper sauce last Thursday and bring them to the office. It was on my list. Wednesday morning I said, “Absolutely not,” and now your cheese and crackers won’t be the same.
Lists are great, but they shouldn’t punish. As we learned from the government, you have big stones and small stones, and it’s about how you arrange them in the pot or something. Another tip from the government is that lists are often best when you put the things you’ve done on it or write things like “think about this” and then check them off. I view mine as the path to a minimum viable product. Enjoyment for 5,000 people is now very much “enjoyment for six people”. I am not Jesus and I don’t have to feed the masses.
You are in the queue (Photo: Stewart Sowman-Lund, additional design Tina Tiller)
Be quietly happy with yourself every time you let someone stand in line or say thank you to the people working in the Christmas hellscape
This is where a piece of Jesus is really helpful. Car Jesus, more specifically. Try some immediate forgiveness, something recommended by a real therapist and not a writer trying to get this submitted before Christmas lunch.
After hearing me explain why I wanted to punch a hole in my dashboard while driving on Christmas, my therapist asked me if I could “just forgive them.” They are the other people in other cars. My head was spinning Exorcist style at this revolutionary concept, but it kind of works. More often than not, everyone is doing their best and you have no idea what others are dealing with. Chill. If you are in traffic, you are traffic. If you’re in line, you’re in line.
You don’t get a medal for not being a huge dick to other people, especially those who work at this time of year, but conscious internal recognition is a useful reinforcement.
Suppress your self-imposed pressure of joy
You don’t have to drive to five stores to find pomegranate seeds for your salad. It’s fine without them. Use that time to do something you really love. Go look at the Christmas lights. No one likes the Christmas cookies you were going to make anyway. Don’t be ashamed of the old things you enjoy this time of year. I can assure you that the time-honored tradition of giving and doing things for other people is much more joyful than finding just the right ribbon.
Get yourself out
Maybe a luxury for the time poor, but I started doing this when I was working for myself and had no Christmas parties to go to. I kept up the ritual. I go somewhere, toast myself, eat an oyster or two and take a selfie to tell everyone about my self-congratulations event. With the deepest respect for everyone in your life, you alone made your way to the end and undoubtedly achieved more than you thought. Get it.
Make your own traditions
Hera Lindsay Bird even has some of it at home her most recent advice column about dealing with other people’s Christmases, but make it your own. It may be impossible to avoid all obligations and responsibilities, but I can guarantee that your assertive move to reclaim some of your Christmas time and spend it naked on the couch eating whatever you want will be less disturbing will be for those you put to bed. than you think.
I hate to say this, but…
As a child, I felt personally attacked by the storybook character Pollyanna, played by Hayley Mills in the film. Her most heinous crime that rightly angered the adults around her was playing something called the “happy game.” Maybe it was written in the stars of our partially shared name, but as big a fan of relativism as I am, I’m revolted to report that saying “I have a house” when reading about homelessness makes you happy game and it is very useful to keep perspective.
Merry christmas. You are worth it.